All of the following is based on things that have actually been said to me. Yes, that's right, I haven’t made a single thing up to be funny, although I hope they are. My emphasis is on physical impairment, mainly because I’ve got one. The tone of this post is unapologetically spiky, but it isn’t about being accusatory, or suggesting that all non-disabled people say these things all the time, but about recognising unhelpful opinions and behavior, and about helping people to be a little better informed. This post is written with tongue very firmly planted in cheek (hopefully not with foot planted in mouth!) in the hope that at least some of it will make you laugh, and that all of it will make you think…
First cab off the rank is:
“I don’t see you as disabled.”
Usually said by people whose uncomfortable body language, worried facial expression, sugary tone of voice, and compulsion to hover over me like some demented mother hen indicate that disabled - with all the baggage that we are accustomed to attaching to it like "childlike" "fragile" and "incapable" - is precisely how they see me. Go figure...
Closely related to: “I don’t see you as disabled.”
Usually said by people whose uncomfortable body language, worried facial expression, sugary tone of voice, and compulsion to hover over me like some demented mother hen indicate that disabled - with all the baggage that we are accustomed to attaching to it like "childlike" "fragile" and "incapable" - is precisely how they see me. Go figure...
“You shouldn’t refer to yourself as disabled.”
Firstly... Um, I’ll refer to myself however I bloody well please, actually. Secondly, the right of marginalised people to define themselves on their own terms is one that I will defend relentlessly. I've been able to read a dictionary for a very long time, people, and I know what the word means. And yes, I know that for lots of complex historical and social reasons, it makes a lot of people squirm. When I, and and increasing number of well informed, politically aware people use the term, we are doing so as an act of defiance against those stereotypes, not in deference to them. I even refer to myself as a Crip occasionally, a term that's fairly common among those of us familiar with the disability rights movement. I like it. It's short, it's snappy, and if I'm being perfectly honest, my Evil Twin enjoys the consternation it frequently causes amongst less clued-in types.
“So can you, like, have sex
and stuff?”
Oh boy. Really, seriously, am I missing something??? Is there some strange parallel universe in which it’s socially acceptable to casually sidle up to an able-bodied person and ask intimate questions about their sexual experiences? Right, no, I didn’t think so. So then why is it okay to ask a disabled person? No, I don't know either. The weird thing is, it's mostly strangers who ask this, rarely someone I am actually about to get naked with. Mainly because I don’t fancy stupid people (well, okay, with one or two spectacular exceptions, but we won’t go into that...) Oh, and while we're on the subject, anyone who is dumb enough to actually ask that question of me automatically loses any chance they may have had of finding out, if you catch my drift...
Oh boy. Really, seriously, am I missing something??? Is there some strange parallel universe in which it’s socially acceptable to casually sidle up to an able-bodied person and ask intimate questions about their sexual experiences? Right, no, I didn’t think so. So then why is it okay to ask a disabled person? No, I don't know either. The weird thing is, it's mostly strangers who ask this, rarely someone I am actually about to get naked with. Mainly because I don’t fancy stupid people (well, okay, with one or two spectacular exceptions, but we won’t go into that...) Oh, and while we're on the subject, anyone who is dumb enough to actually ask that question of me automatically loses any chance they may have had of finding out, if you catch my drift...
"You can overcome any obstacle in life with a little positive thinking and/or willpower!!” Actually, no, you can't. Much of the difficulties that come with having an impairment stem from poor physical access, ingrained stereotypes, and social structures that serve no-one's highest good. So, for example, if you're a wheelchair user, you simply can't get around the quandry of of an inacessible shop, cinema, bus, or pub, by smiling sweetly at it and thinking positive thoughts until it obligingly goes away. If you think you can, I suggest you stop reading right now and go join the Easter Bunny having tea parties with the fairies at the bottom of the garden. Sometimes what actually needs to happen is a good, old fashioned angry letter to the council. Or a pointed rebuke to that irritating person who has just pat you on the head. Again. Or the recent political activism to bring about the National Disability Insurance Scheme. To deny that is to deny our quite legitimate frustrastion at the very real marginalisation and inequity that is part of the fabric of our daily lives.
“My ex-boyfriends-next-door- neighbours-cousin’s-budgie had that and s/he was cured by *deep breath*: eating 17 kilos of anchovies/having dangerous experimental surgery/joining an ashram/going to Lourdes/chanting mantra/joining a cult/taking a positive attitude (See above!)...” the list is literally endless. Look, here’s the thing about disabilities - they are usually pretty permanent. It took me a long time to come to terms with that as I was growing up, but now that I have, I focus my attention on getting the most out of life, not fretting about a cure that will probably never happen in my lifetime.
“Here, let me help you with that...”
IF it’s immediately followed by grabbing the object I’m carrying, or even worse, grabbing ME, coupled with an apparent inability to countenance a polite “No, thank you” from one of the Less Fortunate. Don’t get me wrong here; practical, discreet assistance is sometimes needed, and much appreciated when given. Just don’t expect me to be duly grateful for something which I didn’t need, didn’t want, didn’t ask for, and in fact, have actually refused. It undermines my independence, which I have to fight to maintain on a daily basis anyway, and it takes away my right to make decisions on my own behalf. So it’s not helpful. Nor is it kind. Really it’s not. Besides, I have a mouth. Quite a big one actually. So if I actually do need help, I’ll ask for it, thanks.
“You’re so brave/such an inspiration!”
I’ve lost count of the amount of times someone has said this to me, usually only seconds after clapping eyes on me, and usually in a supermarket, post office, or chemist. Quite what's so inspirational about buying tampons escapes me, but that could just be me. I’ve never climbed a mountain or run a marathon in my life, and furthermore I have no intention of ever doing so. No Paralympic gold medals for me, I'm afraid. Frankly, I'd sooner spend three days tied to a cactus while being forced to listen to Nickleback, over and over again, or some other form of torture that is probably rightly outlawed by the UN, but I digress. Apart from the fact that the chronic overuse of Brave and Inspirational to describe any and all disabled people, all the flippin' time, indicates that most able-bodied people are inexplicably unaware how to use a thesaurus, seeing disabled people as always inspirational no matter how mundane their day-to-day activities may or may not be, means we can never just be ordinary. Or in other words, just like you. Just everyday people with real complicated lives, unique personalities, diverse talents. We are always different somehow, always The Other. Even when we're not.
